Review of Akikan!

(A Man’s Love for a Can) On a particularly hot afternoon in mid-July, Riku Ranjo was walking along the streets of Tokyo, when suddenly he was overcome with thirst. He searched for a vending machine and found one across the street. He crossed the street, inserted the coins into the machine, and out dispensed a steel can. He opened the can and drank it, until it was empty. Then, he noticed there was an aluminum can image displayed adjacent to the steel ones. Suddenly, he had an inspiration… Which cans are the strongest, steel or aluminum ones? He realized that modern physics and chemistry (i.e. stress and strain test,melting point, mass and weight scale, and ultimate tensile strength) would ruin the story. So, he decided that the cans will turn into magical girls (i.e. akikans) and they will battle each other, until the strongest type remains standing. It was a brilliant idea, and so he turned it into a light novel.

The light novel was received well and, soon, it was about to be an anime.

[The Creator Meets with the Producer and Director]:

[The director and producer are reading some passages from Ranjo’s light novel. Once finished, they put the book down and look at Riku Ranjo.]

Director [scratching his head]: I read your light novel and I have to ask. Won’t the viewer think it’s stupid to not use modern science to determine which metal is strongest?

Ranjo: I thought about that and realized I needed to turn the cans into girls to prevent modern science from playing a part.

Director: But, objectively speaking steel is stronger and heavier than aluminum.

Producer [interrupting]: What you may say is true, but the viewer doesn’t know that. That’s why the cans transform into girls, so they can battle it out and decide which metals are strongest.

[Ranjo nods in silences.]

Director: But…whatever. Okay, what about the cans transforming into girls. I know they transform because you open them and then ‘drink it’, but why girls, and not animals or guys? Is there some type of ‘magical element’ within those cans? If so, what is it?

Ranjo [shuttering]: Well…I…it’s complicated.

[The director facepalms and shakes his head.]

Producer [coughing]: Just ignore the director, he just can’t comprehend the ‘deepness’ of this plot and its lore. About the anime, what do you want to add?

Ranjo: Okay. I want to add many girls, preferably more than four, and have lots of action scenes. The attacks of the akikans come from their can’s favor, so for example: 'Budoko shouts grape favor attacks' and 'Melon shouts melon favor attacks.’ Simple and easy.

[The producer shakes his head.]

Ranjo: Next, the main character will be a ‘kind’, perverted, joke-cracking idiot with next to no brain, his childhood friend will be a kind, gentle and plain girl that gets drunk off of carbonated drinks, and as for the akikans…well, some them are hot-tempered, some are cool and composed, some are completely idiots, and some are unusual. Now, as for the art and sound direction…I’ll leave that to you. Thank you, for inviting me and see you later.

[Ranjo stands up and shakes the hands of both the producer and director and leaves. The door closes shut.]

Director [still face palming]: Is he gone?

Producer: Yes

Director [shaking his head]: When I read the synopsis, I thought, “Okay, this is original and weird. Cans transforming into girls. That’s interesting." But, when I read the novel. The story contained a bunch of lame jokes, lots of unnecessary fanservice, and boring school-related crap. All of this crap is going to be in this produced anime! It’s unavoidable!

Producer: You don’t have to be that harsh. Well, I somewhat agree that it’s weird. Now, as for the art and sound direction, let’s just hire the cheapest people and let them get to work. I can, already, imagine the viewer's reaction when they hear the generic opening and ending, a typical J-Pop song, perfect. And, the animation design for each character and background scene will be minimum and ugly as hell, especially the main character's spiky hair.

Director: Yes, let’s just do that and get this anime series over with! But, I’m being harsh not because of the lame jokes or the fanservice. But, because the novel and, unfortunately this anime that we are producing will never answer the most important question!

Producer [confused]: What important question?

Director [smashing his hands on the table]: We never find out which cans are the strongest? I mean, are steel cans the strongest or is it aluminum cans? We just don’t know!

Producer: Well…I…I don’t know what to say. I guess, we can leave it up to the audiences. But, I’m pretty sure, the audience will not remember this question. Hopefully.

Director [sighing]: Yes…hopefully.

The End