Review of Bakemonogatari
By some perverse act of God, after more than a decade of trying, I’ve finally managed to finish watching Bakemonogatari, so I am now qualified to say with full confidence that it is total dogshit. I fucking hate Tarantino movies and this reminds me of them a lot. Just words, words, words, the characters keep fucking talking and talking but never say anything of substance. Two cardboard cutouts of what I assume are supposed to be people talking and talking and talking. I guess that’s being a little mean to Tarantino, though, because he does occasionally manage to be funny or have something interesting happen,but Bakemonogatarai never manages to be either funny or interesting. People often describe it as “clever” or “witty”, which is code for “not actually funny”.
There is no plot, it’s a harem anime with the most boring fucking lead in the universe. I watched 15 episodes of this shit and I still have no clue what kind of person Araragi is supposed to be, it’s impressive that someone who talks so much winds up having no personality whatsoever outside of “Uoh cunny!!! Titties!!! Pussy!!! Hair go boing boing!!!” Seeing people talk about this show online might make you think this is actually a really exemplary piece of art, a shining achievement in the world of anime, but the truth, behind all of the meaningless words and wacky camera angles that you can find in any bargain bin art film, is that this is a coomer anime. It’s a coomer anime masquerading as something else, and that’s the absolute worst sin of all. Fans can write fucking 10 page essays about how artistic it is to have a 20-second panty shot at the start or to have the female lead spend half the second episode in her underwear, but at the end of the day it’s still coomer shit. I don’t care. I know you’ve jacked off to at least one of the characters in this show, maybe multiple characters, maybe even every character. Maybe during your annual rewatch you jack off exclusively to the girl whose arc you’re on so that you can feel more connected to the show.
Did I enjoy seeing the big titties on the catgirl in the last arc? Yes. I want it to be clear that I’m giving my honest opinion here. I did enjoy it. However, that is all this show has to offer, it’s like one of those 3-hour Japanese porn videos where everyone who watches it skips all the exposition scenes so they can get to the good stuff, only when you read the reviews for this one in particular everyone is saying “Bro, you HAVE to watch the whole thing, the dialogue and character development is AMAZING.” So you bite the bullet and watch it start to finish and all you’re left wondering is “Why did I trust the opinions of people who watch porn videos?”