Review of Bakemonogatari

I thought this was one of the first anime series I watched, as a relatively young and objectively naive weeb. I can't quite remember what I thought were my reasons for doing so-- perhaps I thought I had seen someone else wax poetic about the series' inscrutable profundities, or perhaps I just thought I saw it near the top of Crunchyroll's alphabetically sorted catalog. Regardless, it matters not why I thought I watched Bakemonogatari, or why you think you should watch Bakemonogatari. You see, after years of occasionally discussing the series when it is brought up in my online haunts, I have come to a revelation,at the urging of many of its most serious and intellectually profound fans: Bakemonogatari does not exist. Bakemonogatari is an exercise in the usage of the dishonest narrator to remind us all that, ultimately, narratives are just things which exist inside of our heads: entertainment-shaped voids in our minds. Nothing happens to Koyomi Araragi, because Koyomi Araragi does not exist. Nothing happens to Koyomi Araragi, because I too am a dishonest narrator which does not exist to observe him. I am Koyomi, you are Koyomi, and all of us Koyomis are just little boys staring at snowglobes while waiting for our mothers to bring us dinner.

Truly, Nision Issin would be a genius, if he only existed.