Review of Attack on Titan

There's only one possible number to represent Shingeki no Kyojin, and that number is a certain one-digit number between 1 and 10 and is a multiple of 3. You guessed it. Six. Or nine, flipped the other way. I know you anime whores and die-hard SnK fans are probably sitting in your chairs ready to light torches and grab your pitchforks and form a mob right outside my front door because "six" is a pretty low-end score, at least on my ranking scale let alone for a hyped-up series like SnK, but come to think of it, did you come here to confirm your opinions about SnKbeing 2013's greatest anime show, or did you come here to whine in American-accented Japanese at the next guy that gives SnK a low score because you hate it when people disagree with you?

I have to admit that SnK, through my eyes, was a decent show at best, decent being the number "six". And before you and wonder "wut skoar did dis n00b giv sao?!?!?!", let me tell you beforehand, I rated it 8, in my own unbiased opinion. I wasn't excited at all to watch SAO, and I was pretty darn excited to hear rave reviews about this new show that brings Jack and the Beanstalk down to Earth, multiplies the number of giants involved, and gives the humans no beanstalk to escape to safer grounds. It sounds interesting, but was it a good show?

Six. I'll stop saying that now.

Story: A fantastic tale about 10-meter-tall zombies eating out every woman and child like certified pedophiles in the world's largest buffet platter with three different types of meals: Outer Wall for peasant's dishes, Inner Wall for middle-class, and the ultimate dessert: the King and his loyal subjects for those fattening delicacies. I believe the first episode gave this story the right amount of pressure to set the rest of the series of events in motion when [literally] the world's largest pop star, Michael Jackson, resurrects as a Titan and has a change of heart to chase after married women instead of children, but a couple of years later, this leaves us absolutely.... nowhere.

See, I'm fine with that, at least it shows humans are struggling to keep themselves off the main course by avoiding intervention with their larger selves, but what accelerated like a rocket from the beginning has become a race to reach the end as slowly and safely as possible. My grandmother doesn't drive slow enough to keep the same pacing as SnK's storyline, and what should be 24 minutes of giant ass-kicking is in reality 15 minutes of build-up, 5 minutes of something ACTUALLY happening, 1 minute to introduce the cliffhanger, 1 minute for the opening sequence, 1 minute for the ending sequence, and another minute for desperate neckbeards to unzip their pants and fantasize about Mikasa Ackerman being their "waifu". That Mikasa Minute usually occurs in-between the build-up scenes, so on the plus side, it gives weeaboos everywhere a chance to wipe their monitors (or leave it there so they can claim to their friends that they also ejaculated on Eren's face).

Art: I can see why every male anime nerd wants to stick something onto their screens every time the females show up. Shingeki no Kyojin has some of the best aesthetics of an animated series that I've ever seen/heard, from the show's sheer amount of gory content to the snapping of bones (which I still feel). On that alone, I've felt something.

Character: A good number of the characters make very little sense to me. Armin van Buuren RIAA Multi-Platinum Arlert makes spot-on predictions because he's probably reading ahead in his own manga series. Eren Jaegermeister wants to kill all of the Titans and save everyone, but his indecisiveness causes more people to die, not that it matters that dozens die in his care. Captain Levi Denim claims to dislike pointless deaths, but every time he sacrifices a soldier, he never completes his operation, and when he executes the operation, more people end up dying anyways. That's like telling people you're a green politician, yet the car you drive is an environmentally-friendly Hummer H2.

We also get characters with very little introduction and very little development, who only seem to fill in the role of creating more pointless deaths. Titans are scary, indeed they are, but are soldiers really THAT expendable? One does not simply self-impregnate, clone, or genetically-engineer new soldiers to fight. Sooner or later, there will be less soldiers to feed to the Titans, but then again, the author could always create new ones out of black matter to keep drawing his fanbase in.

Enjoyment: Despite what I have to say about SnK, I found it to be an enjoyable watch. It delivers softcore male pornography on a large scale, and sometimes it adds an extra X to the already triple-X rating and exposes what's UNDER the skin for those hardcore biology nerds (I know, it's too intense just thinking about human anatomy).

When the action sequences come around, they deliver. There's something special about the 3D Maneuver Gear that allows for more dynamic camera angles, giving you that same high-speed sensation the characters should also be experiencing. However, if I could pinpoint my absolute favorite moment of this show, I wouldn't highlight anything involving 3DMG. Instead, I would opt for Episode 8, the underground scene when members of the 104th Training Corps attempt to retake their base. Why THAT scene, you may ask? Because it's more fun discharging your guns in the Titans' faces, and it's better doing it in a group.

Overall: Yes, I enjoyed watching. Yes, the aesthetics were phenomenal and it did draw me in from the beginning when Michael Jackson went on tour to Wall Maria and ate one of his fans. I thought the action was superb and it was a thrill to watch. But does it make it a great show? In my eyes, not really. Slow pacing, meaningless death, and heavy amounts of build-up define SnK. I know there are people out there who will complain, disagree, and ultimately flame on my profile for disliking SnK, but then again, take this into consideration: I gave this series a 9 from the beginning, and I ultimately decided to drop it to 6. Am I being biased? I don't think so.

But if you hate my opinion, or if you're hoping to defend the glory of SnK by trying to convert another non-believer to your SnK Fan Club or whatever the hell you'd like to call it, then do me a favor and don't try to shove your opinion down my throat. I've had it happen already, and it'll only tell me how much of a steaming pile of shit you are.