Gunparade Orchestra is the heartwarming tale of Hardboiled Penguin, the greatest character to ever exist in the history of anime. Hardboiled Penguin is an anthropomorphic penguin in a trenchcoat and fedora. His role in the plot is not dissimilar to that of the famous Greek Chorus. At regular intervals, he stands on the sidelines of the story, where he says something vague, tough and philosophical that might or might not be related to the life and times of mecha pilots who are also high school students. Nobody acknowledges his existence, and he does not talk to anybody. He is the only anthropomorphic character in the entireshow. Hardboiled Penguin is a mystery, but two things are clearly certain:

1: He is a penguin

2: He is Hardboiled.

Naturally, the writers realize just what sort of beast they have created, and so do everything they can to contain the awesome power of Hardboiled Penguin. He only dispenses his hardboiled wisdom twice per episode, and after the first arc of the show, he is quietly and conspicuously removed from the story, altogether. The decision to have him standing around, making goofy faux-tough-guy platitudes, is clearly because he is too strong a character to be allowed to affect the plot directly. The alien invasion that is so dire that it requires conscripting literal teenagers wouldn't be a threat, in the face of that powerful beak.

The problem with sidelining your best character, however, is that the plot of the show rests entirely on the remainder of your cast. GPO tells three different stories, in three different parts of Japan. Every military unit we're forced to sit with is comprised almost entirely of stock, cliche anime tropes. Blatant insubordination runs rampant in the army, and is allowed to fester unchallenged for seemingly no reason other than for the sake of drama. Every group we follow seems to be its own flavor of incompetent, on the back foot of a war that has no end in sight and which the good guys are clearly losing. It is not until the last third of the show that we encounter a group of people whose personalities are even slightly refreshing. "The World According to Satomi" might be the best standalone episode because it at least managed to make me laugh for a minute.

Enough about the plot. I want to talk more about Hardboiled Penguin.

I have so many questions. What is Hardboiled Penguin? Is he an alien? A genetically altered creature? The whimsical fancy of a teenage girl, in over her head? Why does he dress like a film noir detective? Does he solve crimes? What kind of crimes does he solve? He must be doing good for himself, since that jacket of his clearly needs to be custom tailored. Where did he get all his pearls of wisdom? Does he have a Hardboiled Sensei somewhere that taught him how to be the Penguin he is today? Is Hardboiled Penguin single?

I desperately need to know if Hardboiled Penguin is single.

Overall, Gunparade Orchestra is an absolutely mediocre show. It is unoriginal and does nothing new or innovative, except for Hardboiled Penguin. If I were crowned Queen of Anime, tomorrow, I would require more shows feature Hardboiled Penguin. I want Hardboiled Penguin in all the most popular anime, standing on scenic vistas overlooking major battles while spouting one liners about how women are scary and how little fish don't understand the whims of big fish. I am so dedicated to this bit, I have removed every single one of my Favorite characters from my MAL profile, because none of them deserve to share a screen with Hardboiled Penguin.

I give Gunparade Orchestra a "Hardboiled Penguin" out of ten. Somebody please tell me if that guy is single.