Review of Bakemonogatari

Series about facing psychological issues: "Instead of being sad, just be happy!" Bakamonogyatari: The Shameless Self-Insert Pedo-Harem Romance Autistic Conversation Visual Novel: Use transference and Stockholm Syndrome to coerce girls into your harem when they aren't already in love with you for no reason. The author pompously recommends watching this in achronological order to save face since he wrote the books haphazardly like that, however achronology in the anime adds nothing but spoiling what happens in the prequels without any purpose. Some think this story/dialogue is deep because they don't get it, but really it's extremely simple and boringly juvenile. There's very little depth and mostly just pointlessgarbage.

The entirety of what I could bear to watch can be summarized as:
Tons of unrealistic rambling self-contradictory dialogue with barely any purpose beyond filler and redundant self-narration, and (self-congratulating over) pointless in-your-face wordplay that is lost in translation since they don't even give translation notes (but thank god they waste your time diligently conveying pointless font types, scene numbers, and redundant narration by flashing colored frames). The sexually abused girl immediately throws herself at you because you were the first person who was nice to her, and she won't even stop liking you if you do it with other girls too (conveyed through dialogue sperg). There isn't any romance here, it's romance bait that goes nowhere and mostly just kids bickering. It isn't even supposed to be romance really, they're supposed to be kids who don't know what love is. It's horny harem garbage instead.
pedophilia. MC is a generic lolicon pervert who sexually assaults little girls many times. The girl characters are sexualized in almost every scene. The entire plot effectively exists as a vehicle to contrive ways to sexualize children: from backstories of SA, to accidentally falling on the MC, to fantastical aberrations that just cause lewd situations, to near constant pedo "fanservice" camerawork.
And occasional brief action scenes and actual (repetitive) plot to wrap up the fantasy oddity's arc while avoiding any consequences before doing it all over again every arc (if you've seen 1 you've seen them all, it does not get better). This is not a mystery series, it is a SoL autistic dialogue ramble before exposition dumping the supernatural issue of the week followed by exposition dumping the solution followed by doing the solution. As much mystery as reading a thesaurus about these supernatural tropes.
That's it. For those who don't speak Japanese, that means the show is practically nothing but a vehicle for pedophilia. This is effectively pedophilia written by a pedophile and adapted by pedophiles to be enjoyed by pedophiles.

Characters:
MC has no character beyond being a generic horny pervert in a harem anime where all the girls want his dick for no real reason. He also has vampire-nonvampire regeneration powers that equate to plot armor so he can get splattered against the wall a bunch pointlessly with no consequences.
Both main girls are practically identical (even down to their backstories) aside from sub/dom.
Beyond 1-note catchphrases/acts beaten like a dead-horse, all characters overlap with barely any distinction since the author cannot stop self-inserting, thus they are all: into pedophilia/girls as well as the author's self insert mc (even the BL-oriented "lesbian"), otakus, obsessed with wordplay, etc.
Main girl immediately gets into a cliched beard relationship with MC as is the trope for half-assed romance-bait harem as an excuse for the author to do all the pedo-harem trash with his self-insert MC without having to actually follow through with the issue of actual sex and romance because conservative Japanese culture and because it is beyond him.

The art/animation is high budget (no matter what anyone says, though I suppose I should clarify I mean the Blue Ray version which has many scene improvements over the initial version), they put way more man-hours into this adaptation's world/character design, storyboarding, and cinematography (live-action filmwork/rotoscoping and multiple custom OP/ED songs) than most any of the seasonal anime where trash production companies give a pittance to the actual product's animation budget to shit it out understaffed in no time at all. Unfortunately that means all that effort is wasted on polishing trash.

1/10 (where 5/10 is average)